In this post I am going to be painfully honest. So honest that I am actually scared, because I hate that this is the truth about who I am. I hate that I am this person. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I can not overcome it.
I’ve never felt like I HAD to grow up before. For the past 18 years of my life I have been in school being taught weird maths sums,sociological names and what a noun is. I’ve never really been introduced into the adult world of bills and responsibilities. I still feel like a child and it scares me to think that I’m not any more. I no longer have a hand to guide me through my life, now my hand is empty, and I have to guide myself.
A lot of people may love this opportunity. While I’m sure they find it a little scary at first, they just seem to go with it. Able to make the right choices and have the confidence to really and truly plan for their future. Unlike me, who finds it easier running away from her problems then actually facing them.
I feel like I’ve been dumped into the world of adults, with no where I belong. I don’t have a plan for the future, heck I don’t have a plan for next month. All I know is that right now I’m literally just gliding through life as an unimportant spectator who is just too scared to do anything about it.
I don’t have a dream, and in every strength I have there is always a fault that counteracts it and makes it a negative. I’ve already made so many mistakes, more than I feel like the average person should, and I am letting those mistakes rule my life and control everything I do.
The point is, I never thought I would be this person. Back in the days of my blissful ignorance I thought I had a bright future. Now all I see is uncertainty, disappointment and mountains that are impossible for me to climb. I have always wanted to make the most of life, travel to see the greatest cities of all, try canoeing, try archery, read all of the books on my TBR pile. Yet now, I just can’t find any of this possible or exciting any more. All I want to do is curl up in my bed, hide away from the rest of the world and never face my biggest fear which is an inevitable consequence of being a human. Becoming an adult.