Regrets

This one is a bit more of a heavy topic so brace yourselves.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my regrets (cause there are a few that I’ve made recently). Not a day goes by where I don’t think the words I wish I didn’t do that. And it made me realise that regrets are made from our mistakes, from the things we wish we hadn’t of done or hadn’t of said.

But my regrets are more of the things I wish I had said, the things that are now screaming at me in my mind every night I lie in bed trying to get more then four hours sleep. The things that aren’t even gone when I’ve finally drifted off as they enter my dreams… and turn them into nightmares.

Regrets force you to play those horrid memories in your mind, never allowing you to get over it. Never allowing you to move on, until you’ve done something to fix it. But for me it feels to late to fix it properly, to say what I truly want to say, as I fear it could possibly make it worse. So I’m going to say what I regret not saying here, to you. Because I need to let it go (if you sang frozen then I love you).

The first thing I regret not saying, is thank you. Thank you for making me realise that its the little things I need to appreciate, the random hugs from behind, the fact that you filled my water bottle up without me even asking you to, the Christmas present that was entirely my taste, even though I’d never even mentioned anything like it before, the jokes, the compliments and for staying with me for as long as you did, even after I’d told you so many times, no. Thank you for giving me a second thousand chances.

But I also regret not saying that you could have learnt some things from this whirlwind as well. So many times you hurt me, so many times I would feel trapped because of some of the insults you threw my way. I hope you’ve learnt that anorexia is not a joke or a body image, and asking me if I’m anorexic because I’m a bit skinner then most is not just an insult, but in my books, very very wrong. Another thing I hope you learnt was that you should never ever make fun of someone because they’ve lost there best friend, because you don’t know and will never understand how much it hurt me to hear you say that to me. You shouldn’t have made fun of my spots, or my hair, because I was only an insecure 15 year old who only wanted to impress you, thank god I grew out of it. Thank god I’v learnt that the only person I want and need to impress is myself.

And to the girl who was my best friend for four years. I’m ok. I’m ok with the fact that we’re no longer friends, that I now try and avoid the canteen because there’s a 90% chance I won’t have anyone to sit with. I’m okay with being on my own. I just want you to know that I was so excited to finally hang out with you after months of hardly speaking, of months of me constantly trying to start conversations with you, only to have small answers that never seemed to carry on the conversation, as if you were never interested in what I was talking about. And when I got that message from him saying that you weren’t coming, I was hurt and confused, because you forgot. No matter what the reason was, you forgot about me, and after that, I realized you didn’t care about me, and I was done.

 

Those are the things I regret not saying. And the things I’m to afraid to say now. Do you have any regrets yourself? If you do feel free to tell me, I promise I’ll read them. It’s surprisingly comforting, putting these thoughts I’ve had in my mind for a year out for other people to see.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. XXX

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